After a long day of work and school, I crossed the East Williams St. to walk towards my apartment. I reached to unclip my keys from my belt loop. The metal of the carabiner snapped back, clinking together on the silent street. My hands were freezing already and the cold steel of my keys were not helping. I turned a right at the black gates in front of our apartment that blended with the night sky. My hands shook as I jiggled the key into the hole.
I opened the door to a hallway that was just as cold as it was outside. I sighed after I closed the door. Part of my breath escaped forming a small cloud in front of my face. My hands were extended out as I walked through the dark hallway to ensure that I didn't hit the half book shelf placed on the right wall. I smiled when I reached for my door knob at the end of the hall. I could feel the heat radiating through my arms. "The heater is on."
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Some good details here, and I really like the ending ... but I'd like to see you tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteFor example, here's how I'd tighten up P2:
I opened the door to a hallway. Inside, it was just as cold as it was outside. I closed the door and sighed. My breath formed a small cloud in front of my face. As I walked down the dark hallway, I extended my hands to avoid bumping into the half book shelf on the right wall. When I reached for my door knob at the end of the hall, I smiled. I could feel the heat radiating through my arms. "The heater is on."
9/10